i always thought the group needs a decision maker, a leader, a more active person, and den it will be for the better..
i always thought someone juz hafta be the hero or de villain, and den things will get going..
i thought i could be the Genesis, but ultimately, i see now that my route is the same as his: failure...
i end up getting frustrated and maybe offended ppl (though my knowledge bank isnt enough to understand totally) but if cy used the word 'chill' and 'attitude' den things shldnt be right.. i would apologize for any offences i made, becoz i meant no malice at all..
maybe they really dun care, or maybe this is de only way to go for the group, which is passive-ness, last min decisions, and impromptu stuff..
i suppose after the hk episode, my reputation as Mr Anything is enforced much much more.. decisions i make can be seen as "decisions made juz for the sake of decision making" alrdy..
i suppose that's the greatest grace for me liao ba.. for my last use of this phrase, if the world needs a new hero, that person wont be me..
they say every house/family has a book that's difficult to read.. and tapping into my not-that-large knowledge pool abt human relations, i know no one would be interested or care abt wad happen in 04-127.. even if u do raise ur hand and say 'i really do care/i'm really interested', i believe u'll be speechless after i tell u, not becoz it's of sheer seriousness, but becoz there's really nth u can do, or even nth i can do...
一命赔一命?
let me be the one to do it ba, the world wont mourn/remember an anonymity who has no opinion of his own, no abilities, and no contributions..
i didnt plan to be here today.. but life is like weather, it's so unpredictable that u can hardly make plans that can work 100%..
first, the trip seems unlikely with the pulling out of a couple of ppl.. den the trip is confirmed in less than an hr on msn, and looks set in stone.. and finally 2 days later de now famous H1N1 virus goes funny in hongkong and the trip is now set for changes again..
i dun like grey.. but life is grey.. it's full of grey areas for us to venture in and with as many crossroads and no map, we often hafta decide whether the left or right path is de better one to take.. and that's if u're lucky that u only have 2 options to consider..
notice that i used 'better path' and not 'correct path'.. many things have no right or wrong.. it's only right or wrong when the community, the society, the majority come in and decide for everyone...
ppl always say, and i always tink too, that i think too much... funnily, i realise sth abt me today too.. my mind is most of the time blank... i dun have a 'yes' or 'no' on my mind at all... i dun have opinions at all... it's terrifying when u actually tink abt it... most of the time when i go shopping for my friends' bday presents, my mind is actually blank all the time... which brands of perfume is nicer? whether the shirt looks nice anot? i tend to pause for a while, not becoz i'm considering, but simply because my mind is blank..
of coz it may sounds ridiculous to most of u out there, but ppl like me do exist... well, i'm the example for one... as lily has brought up for mayb the 546231th times, and still counting i believe, my former form teacher once said b4 that i have alot of logic... i've realised i've been using logic to make most of my decisions till now...
Pros VS Cons
i nvr asked myself wad i really want, because i know myself, that i cant even give myself an answer, let alone others.. so when the individual opinions are required abt the trip today, i spent a morning, half working half considering/analysing/list out pros and cons/thinking/(wadever u call it), b4 coming to a decision...
care to guess? it shld be a 90% chance of getting the right answer...
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AND IT'S A NO
sometimes i wonder if i'm the opposite of jim carrey, he's the yes man, i'm the no man... ben brought up the point abt not wanting ur friends to catch disease as a joking point... but i've really considered that as one of my point... i oso feel that there's no point going on a trip if the ppl there are health-conscious, everyone avoiding crowded places etc (though all these are juz my imaginations)
sometimes stepping aside, i see myself as a pathetic loser... coming up with reasons like these are probably more as encouragements or affirmations or even consolations to myself, that to convince myself that i've made the right decision..
it's weird that i'm here at this time of de week, but heck, this post is titled 'odd hours' anyway..
this week is the showing of the wisdom of dean koontz and the odd one.. his viewpoints and linguistic ambilities totally surpass mine and so this week shld see no space left for me..
words are plastic these days.. small loans made to desperate people at exorbitant interest rates are called payday advances.. a cheesy hotel paired with a seedy casino is called a resort.. any assemblage of frenetic images, bad music, and incoherent plot is called a major motion picture.. ------------------------------------------------------------------- most fry cooks and tire salesmen and shoe clerks never want to be famous or widely recognised.. we juz wan to get along.. we want to live quietly, avoid hurting anyone, avoid being hurt, provide for ourselves and for those we love, and have some fun along the way.. we keep the economy humming, and we fight wars when we have to, and we raise families if we get the chance.. ------------------------------------------------------------------- we are the water in the river of civilization, and those fellow citizens who desire attention, who ride the boats on the river and wave to admiring crowds along the shore...well, they interest us less than they amuse us.. we dun envy them for their prominence.. we embrace our anonymity and the quiet that comes with it.. ------------------------------------------------------------------- the given world dazzles with wonder, poetry and purpose.. the man-made world, on the other hand, is a perverse realm of ego and envy, where power-mad cynics make false idols of themselves and where the meek have no inheritance because they have gladly surrendered it to their idols in return not for lasting glory but an occasional parade, not for bread but for the promise of bread.. ------------------------------------------------------------------- grief can destroy u, or focus u.. u can decide a relationship is all for nth if it had to end in death, and you alone.. or you can realise every moment of it had more meaning than u dared to recognise at the time, so much meaning that it scared u, so u juz lived, juz took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didnt allow urself to consider the sacredness of it.. but when it's over and you're alone, u begin to see it wasnt juz a movie and a dinner together, not juz watching sunsets together, not juz washing dishes together or worrying over a high electric bill.. it was everything.. it was the why of life, every event and precious moment of it.. ------------------------------------------------------------------- in this world of six billion souls, all acting with free will and too many with audacity, surprises are inevitable, too few of them the kind that make u smile and that lift ur heart.. ------------------------------------------------------------------- the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing - Edmund Burke, 1795 ------------------------------------------------------------------- to do something, to do what u feel sure is right and in the aid of justice, you sometimes have to do things that, when recalled on lonely nights, make u wonder if in fact u are the good man that u like to believe u are.. such doubts are high cards in the devil's hand, and he knows how to play them well, in hope of bringing u to despair and ennui, if not to self-destruction.. ------------------------------------------------------------------- half a century goes by in what seems like a year.. dun waste an hour in boredom or wishing for tomorrow.. -------------------------------------------------------------------
my mouth continues to 'rot', with ulcers continously popping out, and oftenly simultaneously.. although i dun like to tink this way, but i sometimes wonder if it's punishment for the sins i've done.. (no, i'm not converted to christianity.. haha)
it's fri again.. but today wont be a long post again.. this week started off rather badly, being real tired the first 3 days at least, mainly due to lack for slp over the weekends last week... i cant really sleep in till damn late after my body clock is kinda fixed.. so the only option is to slp earlier to prolong the sleeping hours, so i shld slp earlier tonight..
video above is 徐佳莹, champion of season 3 of some taiwan singing contest.. i think she's the only one after 萧敬腾 whom i really took notice of and really like.. the song she's singing is not hers, but by another not bad taiwanese singer, A-Lin... 徐佳莹 juz released her first album, which is 100% self composed, which i feel is very impressive.. some of the songs she oso used during the competition itself.. sry that the video above will end abruptly towards the end..
dean koontz and his odd thomas nvr fail me.. juz finished the 4th book of the series, Odd Hours.. it's as good as the previous titles in the series, keeping the tone light and sarcastic at times, yet gripping and thrilling at the same time.. through the views of odd thomas, koontz manages to bring out several situations abt life nowadays, which are so true as u read them..
i nvr thought that i would borrow a book, or even visit the library ever since i ORD-ed.. but somehow, much thanks to a friend, who got me to the library a couple of weeks back.. initially didnt thought i would borrow anything, den i juz happen to drift to the 'K' section and happened to see Odd Hours.. den thought i can extend the loan of it, coz 3 weeks seemed juz not enough for me to squeeze time to read a book amid work and the new game on psp... extension failed coz someone has reserved it (which i dun understand why the librarian still displays this book for loans)
so the book remained untouched for a week while i continued my working and psp life.. there was even thoughts to juz return the book untouched b4 the deadline... but all of a sudden, i see the book as an opportunity for redemption.. unsure of when will i see it again, and the very fact that i have THE possession of it now, i started to read it, and funnily, the others on the shuttle bus home from work everyday didnt see me with the psp anymore, instead with Odd Hours...
funny how a book can replace a new game on psp.. perhaps this could prove to be a turning point for me... to change to someone who will act, who will seize opportunities, and to learn the many lessons shown in the book.. or maybe this is juz my hyperactive imagination going into overdrive again, exaggerating a minor minor stuff in life no one else will probably care...
and this is one of 徐佳瑩's songs in her new album.. abit long i know, but juz bear with it.. the mv is lame too... but the song is good, i really like her voice there..
been thinking abt this lately..
want to stay in hall? no want to join any cca? no want to go for orientation camps? no
kinda a 'No' Man huh? they say it's for the experiences, that uni is a once-in-a-lifetime thing.. but then again, didnt i do the same thing in jc, sec sch etc? didnt i live on till now too?
it's funny how our group is made up of so likewise ppl... care or dun care? it's difficult to tell, but what i know is we dun express very much oso.. so i'll choose to believe that we do care, juz that we dun show.. becoz i'm the biggest example to myself.. i've had countless lessons abt my lack of expressions but i continue to falter..
the world needs a new hero, said Genesis as he tried to win Sephiroth in Crisis Core..
we have no Sephiroth in our group for me to replace, but nevertheless i tried to be the Genesis/Sephiroth, but failed.. maybe we are all Angeals, trying to do sth but always helpless.. i'm pretty much helpless when calls for 4one gathering come up, pretty much due to my lack of knowledge and ideas.. so i'm grateful to those who often voluteer to organise.. xavier oso plays the role in 08 scenarios, but he did get frustrated when mass gatherings are often hard to achieve when the girls had uni and guys had army.. so he decided that those are probably once-in-a-blue-moon liao, but still kudos to him...
but then again, i prefer the group not to change ba.. this is juz how we are, juz that this year is complicated by the 21st thingy.. perhaps this is how we distinguish this group from other groups in life...
this last video is the original version of the first song.. abit long too, but not bad the song...
it's funny how my 'junior dementia' is working out to be... tues night a friend called while i was sleeping.. wed night he called to tell me that he had called the previous day and i had answered the phone to tell him i was sleeping already.. funny thing is, i have totally 100% no recollections of the tues night incident... no memory of hearing the phone ring, no memory of me picking it up, no memory of me answering and telling him i was sleeping alrdy, and lastly no memory of hearing his reply and ending the call and going back to slp.. i even thought my friend was playing a prank on me and went to confirm w my mother and she confirmed that my phone did ring on tues night and i picked it up...
of coz ppl often dismiss this as absurd, but this is probably the life i hafta live with.. living with holes in memory..
i shld probably end, i've exceeded my supposed timing liao anyway.. till next time~
is that really 'what's on your mind?' ?even so, i do not know how to comprehend it.. i do not know if the context is me or not.. but i choose to think that i'm not a significant person, though this has been bugging me since then..
