beautiful life i have... (sarcasm detected in this sentence, this post isnt really important to read on)

saturday went for exercise, live firing... seriously speaking, it's totally hell... total there were 4 times we follow de troopers... i followed 3 times... if i did all 4 times, i guess my right shoulder shld haf dislocated or sth... not to forget de number of thorny plants i haf walked past or grabbed onto, resulting a couple of scratches on my hands... and how could i forget the fabulous river/swamp walk i did there, where de (mud) water was like waist deep? causing not only my boots full wif water, but oso my pants totally wet... next up i met up with the commandos of mosquitoes, where i hear their buzzing sounds all de while, and their bites simply swollen up my hands and ears, particularly my right palm where i count like eh..... 13 or so bites juz on 1 palm.. last but not least, de most wonderful thing shld be that i didnt get to slp at all for it... juz caught a couple of min of slp here n there...

sunday... the start of heartburn for me... de more technical term shld be Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease... simply said, it's that my stomach has too much acid, and it spills out to de oesophageus, causing pain at de chest level, so it's as if de heart is in pain, so called heartburn.. but in actual fact has nth to do wif heart... a wonderful disease for those who wanna slim down i muz say.. coz de motion of swallowing food opens de muscle btwn de oesophagues and de stomach, and de acid takes this chance to spill out, so swallowing food = painful moment... so u can be hungry, but de pain will juz discourage u to continue eating.... nature sure has its way to keep ppl's weight under control...

monday.. ICCT grading... finally an end to all de locks, tosses, slams, sparring and wad so ever... finally a goodbye to any more possible bruises on my elbows, knees, back, and other parts of de body that may haf impact wif de ground during the training... of coz that oso means de end to seeing the instructor, whom we haf been seeing for 1 wk... uncontrollably had de thought of a sense of pity becoz de instructor was getting to noe some of us and den it juz ended like this suddenly... tml is off day becoz of de saturday exercise and so came home today...

reached home hearing de quarrelling yet yet again... well wad can i say? i haf simply become indifferent to all these le... cold le... tired to care so much... so wad if they shed tears? i'm not going to drop any tears.. possible salvation when i haf enough money to buy a hse? man, that's a future i cant see... this is part and parcel of my life.. do u do anything when u see de sun rise? or when u see birds fly? or when u see kids playing around? often we dont, coz these are facts, part of logical happenings, part of life... we juz accept them and shld simply ignore them...

welcome to my life....

cause and effect... wad if... i always believe that everything we do now, no matter how big it is, like setting off a bomb, or how insignificant it is, like brushing ur teeth, will have an impact on how de future is shaped... human mind often works in de way where we tink abt de "wad if"s.. wad if i haf slapped that guy whom i dislike? wad if i propose to my girlfriend? wad if i have not stabbed him?

but this is juz wad's valuable abt life.. we haf no time machine.. we cant rewind to de past and change de past, neither can we fast forward to de future to see wad's de implications of our actions today...

certainly, my life today would haf been different, if that thing of several months ago happen... i shld haf left this place where i've lived for 18 yrs... i shld be living quite a budget lifestyle now... i may not haf a computer now... i shld be/may be...........................

perhaps i've been too persistent that my decision then shld be taken up... perhaps on de other hand, becoz of one woman's decision that goes against mine, de children are protected in a way.. to be still in a 'full' family, to still enjoy stuff like familiar surroundings, computer, tv...

i'm tired of all these...

but i'm still glad i still got my frens out there... these 2 days haf been largely fun... ytd met kang and ben coincidentally and den went for dinner... today's soccer game was fun too (mayb coz i get to play longer =X )

anyway i shall get going... it's back to camp... and it's ICCT this whole wk... duno wad to expect from de tosses and locks =S

last wk had been no-need-go-back-camp week... sometimes de lack of stuff to do oso bore ppl out... been thru some thinkings de last few days oso...

de day b4 went back to de first and only workplace in my life, and met a couple of my colleagues there too... however i juz moved around quickly to avoid them, as i cant face de awkward-ness to face them again.. 8 months ago, on my last day of work, i stepped out of there very sure of 1 thing, which is to go back and find my ex-colleagues again, coz they haf taught me a lot, and haf been good to me.. i haf always tot i'll return 1 day, saying "我回来了" to them... however, as usual, wad i do nvr go according to wad i plan, as i was hastily moving away once i saw anyone familiar... wad a disgrace, u muz be thinking now...

perhaps i'm juz not used to this kinda stuff ba... i quite believe that one's childhood has a rather deep impact on one's growth and future... my family has always been a very conservative one, or mayb even worse? perhaps it's due to de no. of males in my family? perhaps it's due to 1 particular male? there could be a lot of perhaps... i've grown up in an environment where we nvr talk abt love, or rather, nvr seen anything abt it... perhaps simply said, i've grown up in a warzone...

i'm reading a book by Nora Roberts now, called "Chesapeake Blue".. main character is Seth Quinn, who had a terrible first 10 years in his life due to his birth mother, but when he was 10 yrs old he was adopted (or rather his mother sold him) by his grandfather, Ray Quinn... he then joined a very very warm family with 3 other sons Ray adopted and after that Seth became a famous artist in Europe, b4 deciding to go back to join his family becoz he misses them... however, although he leaves the past at a far far corner of his mind, his past, de first 10 yrs of his life, still haunts him, and it wasnt helped when his birth mother, knowing that he's back from Europe, decided to blackmail him in exchange for not bothering his family...

i guess some ppl are juz like Seth... we haf stuff in de far far corner of our minds, which we really hope we can forget, we can be indifferent to it, we can juz bury it by other stuff in our lives... but it juz nvr fails to come out of its grave... as a child, living in this 'warzone', i had always been fearful when de 2 adults of de family start to 'talk' to each other at increasing volume... when young, separation and divorce had been a rather unthinkable prospect for me... of coz, that has changed as i grow older, with me welcoming de prospect as a matter of fact.. (for those who have been following this blog real real long may noe abt this several months back) and of coz, that prospect didnt materialise as a result so i couldnt really say much oso...

but perhaps since then when several months back de prospect was so near yet so far, i have been telling myself to be indifferent to this relationship... since i haf no say, i might as well leave the thing to they two, they can do anything abt it w/o me... however the fear from childhood, de fear of hearing these 2 talking at the top of their lungs still spooks and haunts me till this time, when i'm a few months away to being 20 years old...

perhaps a phrase i heard in the channel 8, 7pm show, is quite true... one's maturity has nth to do with one's age... someone who's 30 yrs old can still be childish and naive, whereas someone who's 15 yrs old, but been thru alot, can be very mature or wad we say, there's an old man living in his heart... i've yet to been thru a lot in life, and i feel i'm still not mature in many areas in life... social interaction, being initiative, ability to handle everything when alone, and alot more are still lacking...

a few days back, i was sort of 'reminded' of my responsibilities and role as de eldest son in de family... no, i'm born with neither a golden nor silver spoon in my mouth... a lot hafta depend on me in de future... perhaps this has been increased when we see de sole breadwinner of de family can sit at home for more than 1 month, i believe going to be 2 months, juz watch tv, eat and slp, and simply juz dun wan to work... he may have his reasons, but simply, i juz dun care... as a man, as a father, as a husband, i believe u haf ur responsibilities as well... there's no reason y u juz dun work when u still haf 2 kids in sch, 1 wife who's taking on everything, from doing housework to working at home to earn that meagre pay, and u juz, what? slack at home, contributing nth to de family... fast fowarding time, perhaps 2 years later, i may be regretting my decision of not taking up a scholarship for uni ba.... but i juz hope i can scrap past de 3 yrs in uni and juz come out to this 'harsh' society, as i've heard many times this word abt de society..

ytd sort of played in a soccer match on field... nvr played on field for duno how long liao... i made a substitute appearance, around 20 min, made a couple of foul throws, touched a couple of balls here n there, and there goes de final whistle to signal de end of de game... although i always make jokes abt why i'm not given a starter role and jokingly 'complains' abt lack of playing time, i hafta concede that i noe that i'm not really a player good enough to start... i guess i juz hafta work harder when we play in NY and continue to improve to become good enough to start in future (although i dun really see that in near future =X )

and no, i'm not going to let all these things bother me in any way... i'm striving to be a comedian remember? seriously i really enjoy being one who can make others laugh, simply becoz i'm one who laughs and smiles quite easily =) seeing others laughing becoz of my comical, dumb actions/comments is quite a satisfaction to me... if u haf 1 life, and u can choose to live it ur way, y not make it a fun n happy one? although tinyau says no one calls themself a cockster de, but i'm proud to call myself one =)

BACK!

an overdue entry i suppose, considering i haf been back for like 3 days le... yes brunei can be a terrible place to be for training purpose, but my time there hadnt been anywhere close to the word xiong, perhas apart from juz the time when i had to walk into the forest to the checkpoint which i manned during the troopers' navigation exercise, where i climbed like 3 to 4 hills b4 reaching, and de experience there isnt really fantastic, considering i slept on a slope and hafta prevent myself from slipping down to somewhere deep where i cant see the btm, my feet are chilling every morning i woke up, and not forgetting the 2nd day when rain hit... rain is nvr welcomed when outfield..

but despite all these, i'm still considered slack le, compared to the troopers where their programmes are totally horrible... kudos to them for making thru the whole thing...

for me, it has been more of a trip of thoughts, enlightenment and a lot of thinking.. (wad else to expect from me other than thinking? =X ) when i go out, i meet the officers and sergeants more than my fellow men, so interacting wif them give me a greater insight on stuff i nvr tot abt in the past...

army life has always been called to be the period where 'boys become men'.. but the point is, how do they know how to change? after the trip i feel like i'm still that little boy, unsure of how to become that 'adult' figure.. some of the topics that are talked abt during the interactions...

the thing abt planning for the future... a regular sergeant is planning to marry next year, but he's complaining he's struggling to save for marriage... wif not enough savings, he cant haf children coz he cant support them, but he oso cant save enough for now, as he still hafta support himself, his parents and his future wife.. but he oso cant haf children too late, coz if he had children too late, he hafta work even longer until his children can support him.. so as we can see, there are many dilemmas here and there and a balance needs to be struck...

still on de topic of future planning... how do we get enough money for future? one of my platoon mates told me he had put money into some kind of fixed investment, so he cant touch that sum of money for a period of time, and after that he gets more money back.. also, there's also the other kind of 'investment', more commonly known as 'betting'... some of my frens bet on soccer etc etc... but this is considered a kind of investment as well? well it's abt de same as those ppl playing wif shares ba, coz both involved risks ma, so if playing wif shares is considered an investment, y not betting?

2 of de guys from my company who went wif me to this trip talked abt their 'fighting' life when young... 1 of them is from a rough pri sch, where fighting is common.. de other fought b4 during basketball or soccer games, when there's a quarrel it will be followed by a fight... for me, i haf nth to contribute during this discussion abt fighting, coz i had not been involved in one b4... after listening to them, i had a thought... do all boys fight at some point in their life? perhaps i can answer that qn in a GP manner, where de answer is no coz de word 'all' is generalisation, coz not all ppl fought b4, an example being me...

during the troopers' re-navigation exercise, i had de chance to listen to 3 officers chat.. 1 of them actually asked me a qn which i haf always dreaded to hear.. "wad are ur goals in life? wad u wanna be?" for those who know me well, they shld know i'm no planner, so i dun really haf goals... so de officer was saying stuff like i shld haf goals and be focused on them, coz it's de ppl who haf focused goals that succeed in life... as one ages, one sees more and more obstacles to their goals, so many end up taking de easy way, but easy way often dun lead to success in life... life in de outside world isnt exactly de same as life in army... in army u can act blur and life still goes on, u still get ur pay... in outside world wad counts is ur performance, no performance = off u go...

i guess that's all for de thoughts and thinking during the trip...

last but not least abt de trip is de R & R. where we went to M & M & M, mosques & museums & malls... got to noe a bit more than brunei culture, sultan and de way of life ba... de only pity is that i didnt get to buy any stuff from there, partly becoz my other signal mates kept saying that there's nth worth buying there, but de troopers did get to buy some stuff back home, so that's de pity part..

as for de past 3 days where i'm back in singapore, it had been both interesting and boring... interesting coz i got to go out wif some of my frens, either to go walk walk, buy shoes, play pool or kick ball... but de boring part is at home, where i juz stone in front of de computer doing nth... although i haf nth to do on com, i still manage to spend several hrs in front of it, which is de amazing part i feel, together wif de tot of wasting time... i always juz go de new facebook thingy and do some of de applications there, while listening to jay's new album online... his new album is not too bad i feel, and i like quite a few songs from it...

loving 青花瓷 now, de 3rd song, which is de china-feng song in his album...