do u ever haf this niggling feeling in u? that juz dun go away...

i guess everyone has felt sian when they are forced to do stuff they dun wan/dun like... i wonder if it's this sian-sation (gl's phrase of de feeling of sian) that's niggling inside me...

reached home at close to 2am last nite/this morning... was feeling really tired when i went to slp, but juz cant get asleep... lied on de bed for more than half an hr b4 finally fell aslp...

today i cant finish lunch and dinner...

duno how to continue liao, brain shutting down le...

all in all, it has been quite good days these 2 days... met up with frens i havent seen in a long long long time... wonder when will be de next time i'll see them again...

facing this alien thing which i nvr encountered b4, i'm simply lost in wad to do...

i haf listened to many advices... haf thought of many many stuff to do... haf weighed wad's de best decision to make at each situation... haf tried stuff which i havent done b4...

sometimes i juz wonder if these stuff i did do really achieve wad i wan to prove... mayb they had backfired.. perhaps haf made me a different person from wad i used to be...

i want to do things my way now onwards... that way i can be truly me, and i can only hold myself accountable for any consequences...


"The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in."

"Don't let go too soon, but don't hang on too long."

"Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too - even when you’re in the dark. Even when you’re falling."

"Is today the day? Am I ready? Am I doing all I need to do? Am I being the person I want to be?"

"When you learn how to die, you learn how to live."

-Tuesdays With Morrie


PS: i cant really handle phone calls well.. havent made much for ages...

sometimes i juz wonder how lag my feelings are...

for no reason, today i kana arrowed a guard duty for sunday... for normal human beings, their first feelings shld be damn sian, coz weekends kana burnt... but i felt nth much at that moment... it was very much later, when going home, that i felt really really sian... coz i only haf like 4 wkends b4 i go overseas, den this wkend kana burnt, next wk intact currently, next next wk burnt again coz that sat got exercise, den de 4th one is de one b4 i fly off... and these thoughts werent helped by de fact that my health broke down in juz one day, and that's today... de sickness juz came tumbling in and i now got flu and sore throat at full blast le...

in de end ended up wif quite a bit of temper here and there... feeling simply unjust at everything possible...

de thing last sunday was oso quite a laggy thingy... back to camp was alright, until slping time when it started taking effects... took quite a while to slp, and de effects spread over to mon nite... tues onwards was better, simply juz becoz de body and mind were so tired that it wanted to juz rest asap...

rather tired now... shall go slp, and find out tml if how much my wkends gonna get burnt...

life is full of uncertainties, and we juz hafta live wif it... we can nvr be 100% sure of anything, unless de things had already happened... there's always a possibility of any outcome, no matter how small or how large de probability is... so i guess it boils down to how u face these uncertainties, and den make ur decisions...

watched 'bruce almighty' last nite... it's abt this guy, bruce, who's going thru a real bad patch in his life and is complaining that god isnt helping him at all.. so god decides to gif his job to bruce and let bruce try his job... however in de end bruce juz ended up losing de person he loved de most despite having all de godly powers...

a largely funny film, but it ended up in bruce realising de importance of de ppl around him, whom he had taken for granted, and de importance of depending on himself to create miracles, instead of waiting for miracles to happen... at de very end, when god asked bruce to make a prayer, instead of praying for grace (de woman he loved) to return to his side, he prayed for her to find a better man, one who can make her happy...

perhaps a cliche ending ba... but how many ppl can really make this kinda prayer/wish? watching de person u like go wif another person is a saddening thing, but perhaps there will be a sense of relief that comes along wif it ba... a relief that de person u like will be happy...

human relations is no simple stuff.. in fact it's rather complicated and mind-boggling... sometimes it's juz hard to understand wad another is thinking abt... that's y communications is rather impt ba... no one can guess wad another is thinking, so communications is needed to convey one's thoughts... perhaps that's y signallers are impt to keep communications up =X ok, this is rather random and lame... it could be juz a simple thing, of using de com, but it can make me think a little too much... thinking of whether i'm hogging it during de times i come home and my bro cant use... but it's like he needa study for some stuff and so i juz continued using while still having de thoughts that i'm hogging de com...

mayb one can say i'm thinking/worrying too much... i once read b4 somewhere that says.. when u face a problem, and if it can be solved, u shldn't worry too much since de problem can be solved... likewise, if that problem cant be solved, den u shldn't worry too much either, since there's no way u can avoid it liao... but i guess i juz cant help thinking a little too much...

"maybe" has also set me thinking for a nite...

wanted to blog some stuff on fri, when i came home for abt 2 hrs... but a lack of time prevented it, and de den strong sense of anger and pissed off-ness is lessened by now...

let's recap de last 2 days...

tot fri would be a rather slack day, apart from the 10km run in de morning... and it turned out not to be... de 10km run was..... simply tiring... de longest ever distance i haf ever run b4... after that juz came all de unreasonable stuff... ever been hauled from de toilet, halfway showering? well, that didnt happen to me, coz i juz entered de toilet, but it happened to a couple of my other bunkmates... all these becoz of some stupid misunderstanding and miscommunications...

many people do read b4 abt the caste system that happens in many countries, abt how de lowest class people suffer... well i do haf de feeling of de lowest class people liao... simply made me rmb the phrase we always hear during national day celebrations in school... "we haf no right, we haf no say"

now to de navex ytd... first ever navex for me, and initially i juz tot 'well, how difficult could it be? we already got all de locations plotted right on de map, so as long as we read de compass correctly we can finish it fast'... boy, how wrong i was.... although we did follow de tip that de officer gave, which is to take note of both direction and distance we haf taken, we still got lost for de first 2 checkpts... and bashing is no joke... for de 2nd checkpt, which is on top of a hill, we juz took a route up de hill, a route where no one seems to haf taken b4, ie no one has bashed thru de vegetation on that route b4... and so, we simply juz bashed and whacked our way thru, and de vegetation is damn thick and there are a lot of plants that haf thorns, thus scratching our hands and clothing... after we finally reached that checkpt, we realised there's a gd path down, which means de ones who planted this checkpt took this trail up and down the hill... we felt so dumb that we didnt take this route up, coz it's a real clear path, w/o much obstructions... finally to end off, we had a stroke of luck, and i shall not elaborate too much on this, in case some uninvited people came along and see... let's juz say we are lucky enough to get out of the forest b4 de rain started... i was simply juz glad that we didnt get trapped in de rain in the forest, and felt quite sorry for those trapped inside, as they were all drenched... talking abt drenched, we oso had to cross a couple of streams during de exercise... and de first one we crossed is rather deep, which came up to boot depth... and so my boots were flooded as a result and so my feet remained wet for de 9 plus hrs which i didnt take out my boots, which felt rather disgusting... also all the walking in de forest rocky trail created a big blister on my right foot...

all in all, de last 2 days haf been like a rollercoaster ride... total anger in fri daytime due to being misunderstood and being looked down, den lessening of anger in fri nitetime, den a mixture of tiredness, helplessness and finally gladness during navex, and finally joy during book-out time...

PS: kinda messy post here... unable to gather all de thoughts and a simply duno wad to say... expecting a tough wk coming up, hope can get thru and can get used to all those senseless scoldings..

Add-on: cant believe i forgot to say abt this until i publish de post... within a week, an army captain and a soccer player (antonio puerta of sevilla) juz collapsed like that, both in their 20's... i guess this simply highlights de fragility of life... so how do u noe u wont leave any regrets behind? i guess this is a much-said topic, abt wad living ur life as if it's de last day of urs, abt doing things u wanted to and not delaying it... but at times saying is much much easier than doing.. sometimes it oso depends on whether u haf de courage to do so anot, as u may not haf 100% confidence, or u may end up losing more than gaining... perhaps i dun haf that courage, as i haf quite a number of regrets liao..