last time if u tell me u wanna go to my workplace to visit me, my usual reply would be 'u are not likely to see me there anyway, coz i'm most of de time inside packing fruits n veggie, unless u are lucky to reach there when i'm out stocking up'.. but if u tell me de same thing again these days, my reply would be 'u will most likely see me outside'... in fact, nowadays i feel like i'm an animal in de zoo, on display for all to see..

lol, de change is mainly becoz de mandarin oranges haf arrived.. de ntuc festival disaster! now we hafta start selling these oranges as CNY is approaching.. i expect this to be even worse than de xmas orders thingy, as there are more likely to be more customers to buy oranges than ordering for xmas stuff... oso, many other colleagues of mine, including de youngsters n aunties, haf been warning me to haf mental preparation for all kinds of customers.. n i haf been given some "warm-up" by some customers liao, when i had only started selling 2 days ago.. some complaints/comments include 'y so ugly one' (not referring to me, referring to oranges =X), 'u all so big company, oso dun haf samples for us to try?' etc.. guess i really gotta make some mental preparation liao... if not i will not survive de 'onslaught' of de demanding (unreasonable) customers =X

2day one of de teenage colleagues came to stand at de counter wif me.. of coz our TL wont allow us to stand n wait for customers, so we gotta pack pears n apples while waiting for customers to come... as we packed de pears, i got a big surprise when i realised he was packing them real fast.. even when i tried to pack as fast, he was like at least double my speed, sometimes even triple!!! i felt utterly beaten, although i noe he has been working there for a couple of years liao... damn sad sia.. when we finished wif pears, we switched to packing apples, n that was still ok, coz at least i'm not that slow like de case of pears, but he's still faster than me la...

these couple of days working saw a couple of familiar faces... ytd saw kang's mother.. she was paying at de cashier n her way out will pass by my counter.. i was thinking if she will recognise me as kang's fren anot, but in de end nvr recognise, so quite heng =X 2day saw a aj guy, duno he wad class de, but he oso take 72 to sch last time... oso saw helen chong there, didnt noe she lives around this area... i got walk past her a couple of times, but i tink she duno me is aj student last time... but den again, i tink de one i saw is helen chong =X not 100% sure, coz not her student b4 anyway, last time lecture oso sit so far from her, so not totally sure, but 99% sure shld be her.. lol..

cut hair this wk... everytime when i cut hair i'll be reminded that i'm not that good a person... i'm juz ur average joe, or mayb more insignificant than that.. i'm nth impressive or wadever, while i'm often clouded by de thoughts that i'm good at sth, i'm pro in certain areas etc... but in fact i'm not.. but den again, this reminder is good, as this will prevent me from doing wad i feel i'm doing all de time, that is "not pro act pro"..

i seem to be over-doing it..

i'm tired....

real tired from my job...

been working more than a month, but today i realised i still duno abt one thing... is the job asking too much? or haf i expected too little of the job?

today an unhappy incident happened during work.. juz returned from my dinner break, n i was informed that my TL came when i went out for dinner to tell the others to inform me that i needa pack some boxes of pears... before i went for dinner, i completed packing another kind of pear n i went for dinner thinking i got nth to do liao.. den i came back to noe that i still got this thing to do, so i was rather glad coz it beats having nth to do... but de thing is, i nvr pack those kinds of pears b4... those kinds of pears require another kind of packing, not de usual plastic bag packing i haf done in de past... it has to be packed using some called hi-wrap if i'm not wrong... it's those kind of packing u see where stuff r placed on a styrofoam tray n de whole thing is wrapped using some thin transparent plastic sheet thingy... u shld get wad i mean.. if not i oso duno how describe le...

but of coz i tot it would be easy, as it's not de first time i'm using hi-wrap.. i used it b4 to pack strawberries n grapes, n those attempts haf been quite successful... but today de machine was different from last time i used coz de thing is hard to pull out to wrap de thing, n when i used too much force, de plastic sheet will snap.. at first i struggled wif it, den an auntie saw n came to demo.. she did admit that it's a bit harder to pull out than b4, perhaps coz de thing is juz 're-filled', where a new roll of plastic sheet is used.. although she admitted that, she still can work normally, wrapping each tray of pears fast n efficiently.. so i tot it shld be fine for me, but i still cant figure how she managed to do it so cleanly, whereas for my case it's either de plastic sheet dun stick to de tray, or de plastic sheet juz refuses to move, or it juz snap n i needa fix de whole thing... de auntie sort of realises my struggle n so she took a couple of boxes of pears to wrap herself, so that we can complete de workload... n so she carried de boxes to de 'other room'... i say de 'other room' coz actually inside our workplace it's a rather big place, so for my case it's that i work in one area, while de aunties carried de boxes to another area, but de 2 areas r linked, no walls...

so as i continued wif my struggle wif de machine, i heard a couple of phrases from the other area where de other two aunties are.. one of coz is wrapping de pears using another machine, while another is cutting veggie... de phrases i overheard include "ask him/her to pack de veggie i cut lor", "even the malay newboy is faster than him/her", "i told him/her to pack them liao, but he/she say those can wait" etc.. i used a lot of he/she n him/her becoz de aunties speak in chinese n de chinese he n she sound de same, so i cant be sure which they referring to...

of de 3 phrases i mentioned above, i heard them in this order... when i heard de first 2, i tot they were referring to me, explanation being that for de first phrase, de auntie cutting de veg muz haf heard that i'm struggling wif de hi-wrap n so was wanting me to switch to sth i could do a bit faster.. de 2nd phrase being that i'm one of de 2 new boys in this department, de other new boy is a malay guy who came to work only last wk.. i tink she cant be saying that this new boy is faster than the other permanent workers in this section ba... but when i heard de 3rd one, i saw no link of it wif me, so i told myself i cant be that pessimistic n paranoid n that they cant be talking abt me behind my back, so i concentrate back to de stupid hi-wrap...

let's fast forward to 10pm, when i went to help an auntie from de frozen department.. she's an auntie whom i knew from my first wk at work n she's one of my few colleagues whom i talk to quite some bit... i helped her wif de 'curtains' at de dairy there when she went to pay for de stuff she bought 2day... den i went wif her to get de trolley containing de covers required to cover de fridges in de frozen department... as we were pushing de trolley to de frozen fridges, she told me sth which sort of implied that de 2 aunties i mentioned earlier may be indeed talking abt me... this auntie from de frozen said "sometimes at de fruits n veggie there we haf to work faster, coz we needa clear a lot of boxes of goods sometimes".. n de thing is, this auntie went to help in de fruits n veggie department earlier on 2day, coz de amt of fruits n veggie 2day was really quite a lot... so i figured that she may haf heard de other aunties talking abt me earlier on ba...

was rather demoralised after that... felt really like a burden to de department, especially when i haf already worked there for more than 1 month n i'm considered to be this useless... i mentioned in my previous post that i was excited at de possible challenge of me alone in de fruits n veggie department for today for 3 hrs from 2 to 5... b4 today, i really felt that 2day would be a gd time to see how fast i can be, how much i haf learnt so far, n how i can manage such a big situation... however, de challenge didnt happen as my TL seemed to haf realise that i'm alone n so ask another auntie to switch her off day from today to tml..

now on hindsight, mayb it's a wise decision from my TL ba... i guess i wont be able to handle such a situation alone, even though today de crowd isnt really considered to be big... de aunties r much more experienced, n if they feel that i'm not even as gd as a new guy who's only in for a wk, i guess i'm really that bad n useless... now i seriously feel that i'm not cut out for this job n wish to juz gif up... but to quit now seems to be an irresponsible act, as i myself noe that we still lack ppl at times when de crowd is big, n wif cny coming, de workload would juz increase... i guess mayb i'll juz change my decision of working till mid of march to working till end of feb ba...

some time back, de 'main' auntie of de afternoon shift was saying she heard abt me having no smiles in de morning shift... it's rather true that time, coz i wasnt really enjoying morning shifts... today after work, that was no smiles from me either, coz knowing that u urself is a burden isnt exactly a happy thing ba... mayb as wad de army ppl say, i better 'wake up my bloody ideas'...

now my only consoles of each day is that i can watch de 7pm n 9pm channel 8 shows... it's been a long time since i last watched local productions, n i feel that these 2 shows r not bad... but de bad thing is tml is start of weekends, meaning no these shows until monday =/ sad sia...

last but not least, i muz rmb to remain de comedian i wanna be...

sometimes, when me n my mother were chatting, she will bring up sth like 'how i wish i haf a crystal ball that can allow me to see the future' or she will juz tell me 'next time u grow up den u invent sth that can allow ppl to see the future'... although i'm not sure y she's so keen on looking into the future, i always tell her the same thing everytime.. 'there's no future that u can see'... dun get me wrong, i dun mean she has no future =X i'm juz meaning that there's no pre-set future as everything u do now or every decision u make now will affect de future, either directly or indirectly...

for eg, i used de household chore of washing clothes to illustrate how various decisions can affect de future... de most basic decision to make is to either wash or dun wash... of coz, when u wash, u get clean clothes, when u dun, u haf more dirty clothes n less clean ones... a more direct impact.. if u decide not to wash, u can also choose between send de dirty clothes to laundry services or simply dun wash.. de indirect impact on u may be incurring higher costs for both options.. sending to laundry services of coz incurs costs, while if u simply dun wash, den u haf dirty clothes, den ur boss may get angry n sack u, thus u lose ur source of income, incurring costs...

on de other hand, if u decide to wash, den u choose from either using hands or using washing machine... de indirect impact would be, if u decide to use hands, den u get tired, physically draining, while if u decide to use washing machine, there's a chance ur washing machine will spoil...

of coz some of de possible consequences i brought up are a bit far-fetched, but they r still a possibility... this illustrates my so-called 'future theory model' =X however, there's also another sch of thought on this topic of 'future', which will simply overthrow wad i haf typed wif juz 1 word... 'fate' is that word... there's de thought that fate has decided de future n it has oso decided wad actions n decisions we will take, where we r juz like characters in a novel, wif de 'storyline' or our lives already pre-set... but den again, i stick to my sch of thought n others r free to haf their own...

talking abt work now... juz realised ytd that after this wk of afternoon shifts, de rest of january will be morning shifts for me... it seems like my TL didnt inform me anything abt this change but i discovered it ytd when i decided to look at de roster... also, de 'main' auntie in de afternoon shift will be taking a one-week leave from today onwards... thus de past 2 days may juz be de last 2 days which i'll be working wif her in de afternoon shifts, as i'm not ruling out that i may be permanently fixed in de morning shifts, or a better phrasing would be that i tink i'm likely to be fixed in de morning shifts.. wif this 'main' auntie on leave, some changes r oso made to de roster so that we will not haf a shortage of workers, wif one auntie, who normally works from 12 to 5, changing her shift to 2 to 10 for today n tml... but de big challenge for me would be friday... that's becoz as wad i see on de roster, i will be de only worker present in de fruits n veggie section from 2 to 5, before 2 more aunties come to work from 5 to 10, which is their normal working time... duno if i'm up to it anot leh, but i'll try my best ba =) lolol...

still regarding work, i'm still looking for my first 'clean sheet' day in my job... in soccer terms, a team has a clean sheet if the team has not conceded any goals... for my case, i refer this 'clean sheet' to be not getting injured in de course of my job... i haf been switched to de fruits n veggie department for around 2 wks, but i havent worked a day which i havent banged, scratched, scalded, or simply injured myself... of coz i dun refer to big injuries such as big wounds, broken limbs etc... but i got these little cuts n scratches on my both hands (and even a tiny wood splinter stuck in one of my fingers!) and i'm rather sian i gotta suffer those 'shocks' from my nerves each day when i get cut at each time... so i'm looking for my first 'clean sheet'! but my history hasnt proved to be a good one, coz in soccer, as a goalkeeper, i havent kept a clean sheet yet =X

it's weird how moods can change so easily.. in de morning, i was so sick of working that i was considering quitting.. after de afternoon shift ppl come in, my mood juz became better just like that.. weird...

i juz cant connect wif de morning ppl, but i juz dun understand y... is it becoz de aunties there will juz talk among themselves, especially in dialects n so i cant understand half of wad they r saying? is it becoz i feel that de aunties there feel that i'm a newbie everyday, one that juz came the day b4, (when in fact i haf been working for abt a month) n so was seeing me as a burden? or is it becoz i feel that they dun trust me, becoz of my lack of experience n build?

de biggest difference between working in de morning shift n afternoon shift for me is that i nvr noe wad to do in de morning, especially when i arrive.. de aunties seem to haf some sort of system whereby certain veg or fruits r assigned to them, n so obviously de newboy, me, will haf nth assigned to.. so i gotta ask for wad to do, n i always feel like i'm a ball, being tossed from one auntie to another to find sth to do... however, in de afternoon, i always noe wad to do, as there isnt any system abt who's in charge of wad fruits or veggie.. everyone juz helps n does wad's there to do, dividing de work among ourselves... now that jennifer (one of my TL) has assigned my roster such that i gotta do a cycle of 1 wk morning shift, 1 wk afternoon shift n so on, it seems like i would dread 1 wk enjoy 1 wk of work...

m i really not suited for this job? i kept thinking abt this qn in de morning... our job obviously most importantly requires strength as de basic requirement.. we needa carry boxes around, at least 10 kg each, here n there, up n down, n so strength is definitely needed... for those who noe me, n saw me in person b4, will definitely dun haf de impression of me having that basic requirement liao.. i'm juz like a stick-man, one of de comments i haf heard b4... u dun really expect a stick-man to be able to do this kind of job rite? i guess that could be a reason y i feel that most aunties there dun feel that i can do de job properly, so having little trust in me... i considered quitting, but i figured out that i juz gotta "keep holding on", n not be so irresponsible... i made use of de quotation marks coz actually "keep holding on" is de name of de song of de movie 'eragon'.. lolol.. digress a bit.. actually that's a not bad song by avril i-duno-spell-her-last-name.. that skaterboy singer la.. anyway, back to de topic.. wad i wanna to say is juz that i realised i cant be that irresponsible n it's not that i'm totally hating this job, but i juz dislike working in morning shift.. n it got totally nth to do wif de waking up time btw...

on tues this wk, was chatting wif an auntie when we were waiting for time to pass as we were waiting for de time to knock off n all de stuff haf been completed liao (that day i was working in de afternoon shift).. she asked abt my relationship wif my bro n i told her abt how bad it is now n she said mayb i shld make de first step in fix de problem since i'm de elder... she said abt how parents will wan their children to be close to each other de.. but i said i will juz tink too much n will often wonder wad will happen if i take de first step, will it be a success or will it juz carry on as it is now... den she said that i shld change this character of mine, being indecisive n thinking too much.. she gave de advice of doing de first decision that comes to my mind which i feel is right.. but den i replied i duno, coz i already knew of my this weakness long ago n if i could do sth abt it i guess i would haf done it le ba... i guess i'm juz de person who will automatically think too much n consider many possibilities.. i'm juz de kind of person who will not be able to do that kind of tests that require u to choose de answer that comes to ur mind immediately from multiple choice qns...

i tink enough of blabbering for today ba.. now i feel that wad i wrote is kinda senseless n pointless... but at least de gd thing would be that tml will be de last day which i will be working morning shift b4 i'll be working afternoon for next wk.. although de wk after next will be morning shifts again, i'm not thinking abt them for de moment =)

PS: most of de time, i guess we decide our own emotions, either to give in to de surroundings n be miserable, or to become 'hardened' n feel nth in lousy environment.. at least feel nth is better than being miserable ba..

an unusual soon update, considering i only updated ytd.. i guess this entry is juz to say a couple of stuff i my mind now, considering that i oso got nth to do now, except for reading deathnote manga... a couple of pages now loading real slow, so while i refresh these pages, i shall update as i read along..

read from someone else's blog abt some of her thoughts abt de new year.. she's rather skeptical abt de usual n old-fashioned comments of de new year, abt how it's a 'new beginning', 'new hopes' or even why a 'happy' new year... she's always pessimistic in her entries and thoughts, but i guess that's probably y i agree most of de times wif her, n sometimes i'm quite impressed by her points of view, coz those r not common and thus gif me different perspective abt certain stuff.. read on another's blog abt de story of 4 candles, where 3 candles, named faith, peace n love, were put out, but they were re-lit by de last candle named hope, which indicated de importance of having hope..

but wad i wanna say is juz that having hope as a person does seem important in general, coz being a cynical person or a totally pessimistic person seems to be quite miserable.. however, my point would be that there's definitely no reason in keeping infinite hope over certain stuff.. sometimes we will juz go numb n simply concede that these stuff have absolutely no possibility that they will turn out into happy ending and so we juz hafta gif up de hope, if not de hope will juz drag us down..

2day at work was de physically most tiring day for me since i started work last month.. coz de new stock came in 2day in huge numbers, n i was de only male worker around in de morning, n being fresher than de aunties there who reached at 5 plus or 6 plus (i reached at 9 plus), i was de one who carried de stocks into de fridge, so that de veggie n fruits will not spoil.. it's totally tiring, i tink i carried more than 20 boxes around... n during de carrying process, at one time, when i took out a cart carrying 4 baskets of round cabbages, i knocked my right knee against de heavy load.. i scrapped my right knee on tues during de soccer game when conceding de first goal coz i kneeled down to attempt to save de ball, n in de process scrapped my knee against de dried sand on de ground.. den 2day this thing happened, causing de wound to become bigger n it was totally painful after de impact, while i hafta act like nth has happened coz otherwise it will create too much fuss.. i was limping around during de abt 1 hr after de impact, b4 i got used to de wound after that..

den after that, i suddenly got a thought in my mind... retribution? punishment? is this a way of punishment or retribution given from 'upstairs'? especially after de comments i made ytd on de blog.. is this de minor punishment considered to de punishment of being struck by lightning?? lolol... i guess i'm juz thinking too much, an example of my very imaginative mind... lolol...

PS: i'm totally numb of this situation liao.. not that i nvr faced it b4 like that.. it's juz a cycle, of it happening den stopping den happening again b4 it stops again, n de cycle carries on... de woman of de hse juz gave me a 'wad if' situation, n from de bottom of my heart, i seriously support that 'wad if' situation, n to say de truth, that may be de situation i haf been hoping for some time liao..

finally got a day where i could use the com for a couple of hours, especially when i haf been rather busy de past few days, not to forget de lack of slp oso.. 2day worked from 7am to 3 plus, thus got time now to use com lor.. a brief summary of wad happened this wk.. mon worked from morning 10 to 6 plus.. tues was de busiest, morning went nyjc to kick ball, but in de end tio thrashed 6-2, afternoon den went to work from 2 to 10, den after work went home shower n den went out to stay overnite at gl's hse to 'swim', partly oso becoz some guys r entering ns soon, to be exact would be entering next wk... although it's supposed to be 'staying overnite', but many of us cannot take it n were real tired.. i fell asleep at4 plus when we took a break from de swim.. den woke up at 6 plus, so in between happened wad i oso duno.. ytd went work from 2 to 10 again..

some internal conflict broke out at my department, between 2 ppl, den stuff become real tense when de 2 r around at de same place, although it's not long, coz de 2 work in different shifts... everyone started to take sides but if u gif me de chance to take sides, i would take de side of de ppl in de afternoon shift ba... duno y, but i feel more comfortable in de afternoon shift than in de morning shift.. especially on new year's eve, where my branch opened to 12am, so we late shift ppl need do OT, den de atmosphere in my department was damn fun, wif jokes, comments that suan each other flying around.. that were much fun n laughter, n so i feel more at home wif these ppl..

let's move on to some general topics, some of my own opinions on some jobs/roles which i had thought of for some time, but no opportunity to express out.. actually it's 2 jobs/roles..

a comedian.. someone who brings laughter to others.. but y does he (general term) wan to be a comedian? being a comedian is tough, especially u r expected to bring laughter, no matter wad ur moods r.. it's ok when u r happy, but when u r angry, moody or sad, den this job is damn difficult.. so wad r de reasons to be a comedian? well some possible reasons i tot of.. firstly, it could be becoz he's an attention seeker, n being a comedian, cracking funny/lame jokes, or doing some funny actions etc, would put him in de limelight, n attention will be put onto him.. thus he achieves his role to attract attention.. secondly, it could be becoz he finds satisfaction when de ppl around him laugh, as it's nvr easy to make most ppl round u laugh.. a phrase which i hear b4, "de most difficult genre of movie to make is a comedy movie, becoz it's difficult to make most audience laugh, as ppl haf difficult sense of humour'.. so in making de ppl round him laugh, de person finds satisfaction, thus he wanna be a comedian..

a goalkeeper.. n this i refer to de soccer one in particular, becoz i noe the sport more than others.. importance of a goalkeeper cannot be underestimated, as de difference in de qualities of de 2 keepers in de 2 teams is likely to make a difference in de final result... y is he so important? well, he's de last line of defence, n he's de only one who can use his hands, whereas de other players r forbidden to do so.. a good keeper, in my opinion, should be able to gif confidence to de other players of his team.. this way, at least de other players would be motivated to play better, becoz if de keeper is no good, de other players would tink of stuff like 'even if we score goals, we continue to leak goals too, den wad's de pt of scoring?' and 'it's inevitable that we cant block certain shots, n if de keeper, being de last line of defence, is not able to stop these shots, den wad's de pt of me defending well?' a quite good example would be hilario of chelsea.. chelsea of de past 2 seasons boast de best defensive record, where other teams would tink it's near impossible to score against them, whereas now all de teams feel that they can score against chelsea, coz chelsea has been leaking goals w/o terry n cech.. despite terry's name being brought up, i still feel hilario plays a bigger role in causing de present problem chelsea faces...

haf juz finished watching deathnote 1st movie ytd, thanks to suyee for de cd she burned.. oso, i haf been reading de manga of deathnote online, n i haf been enjoying it so far ( in de middle of book 5 currently) for him to come up wif de ideas, thoughts and plans of 2 geniuses, L n Light, de author muz be really damn good.. 2day some stuff happened at home in de morning, b4 i went work, n it was totally unnecessary... i was really pissed out at wad happened... den during work 2day, i suddenly tot of sth... i realised how good if i got de deathnote, coz i already haf 1 name in mind to write in de deathnote... n 1 name would be enough, coz after that i would disown de book, n lose all de memory of everything associated wif de book... lolol... but den, i oso realised that if i really got that book, n i really write that name, i would be, by wad de chinese say, struck by de lightning... but den again, i'm stupid, not like genius Light, so i guess i wouldnt handle de book well if i really got it...

lastly, to end off de post, 2day is de 4th!! it's pay day!! =D i got quite a good pay this month, although i feel that a bit much were deducted for CPF =S lolol.. but i wont reveal how much i haf earned this month here =X