Monsters

So, can you teach me how to get rid of them?

Family?

Dictionary.com gives a whooping 20 definitions to the word "family", of which 15 are for the noun meaning. A close inspection of the list gives a realization that this word has no special meaning at all. It can give rise to various meanings, some seem weird when you examine them side by side. It can simply refer to the "basic social unit", or can refer to both "group of persons closely related by blood" and "group of people who are generally not blood relations", or refer to a variety of things, like "people", "products", or even "mathematical solutions and functions".

With this broad variety of definitions for the word "family", I would pretty much like to conclude that the word is insignificant, though I can foresee that this view would likely be attacked on many fronts from many people should it be released or told to others. Well, different people prioritize different things in their lives. Stuff deemed important by one may be deemed useless by another.

Been watching "Family Outing" these couple of weeks. It's mainly about a group of celebrities forming a family and they went to different parts of Korea and helped to take care of old couples' houses for 2 days 1 night while the old couples went for a short leisure trip. When they first started they were not familiar with each other, thus they were pretty much quite awkward as a family. Yet the episode I watched today was about 2 members filming their last episode with the family after a year of filming together and the atmosphere was truly saddening. Gone were the awkwardness and unfamiliarity, and in were the reluctant bidding goodbyes by the remaining members and the 2 apologetic members who felt sorry that they had to leave the show early.

This makes us (maybe just me) wonder why a group of strangers can develop such feelings for each other after just meeting for 25 times (they filmed 1 time every 2 weeks), and yet there are so many dysfunctional families in society despite living together for so long. Is it because there exist sense of superiority in real families that make some problematic? Parents feeling 'superior' than their children that they do not take in their opinions and explanations? Husband feeling 'superior' than the wife simply because he's the man? With sense of superiority comes feelings of oppression. And so those oppressed start hiding stuff, doing stuff secretly, lamenting about their sad lives etc?

Self-created psychology theory: People enjoy watching shows containing elements that do not exist in their real lives. Examples include watching comedy to get feelings of happiness not available in real lives, watching thrillers and horror to spice up one's dull life, or watching love stories while hoping of achieving similar love dramas in real lives.

School starts in 1 week's time. Current view: Just let it start please.

Post Exam Woes

It had not been a great week since the end of exams last fri. So much negativity has been going on through my head that it feels much longer than a week since i left school 9 days back. Feel like I gonna explode if I don't find a way to release/vent all these negativity away.

It's funny how I felt a sense of loss after the words "Stop writing" boomed through the speakers in the exam hall. Perfectly placed right at the back of hall, I could see/sense the joy and excitement in the people in front of me. Maybe it's just a case of sour grapes, and just the same old story. No friends? Too bad for me. I suppose I've been too fortunate to be in groups and cliques in the past, which just compounds the loneliness these days. Ironic isn't it? The "lone wolf" complaining of loneliness.

Watched some movies this week, coincidentally three of those were about superheroes.

It's easy to notice that the common thing with most superheroes is the masks they wear. What's the rationale for that? Various reasons could include they want to protect their loved ones from being targeted by their enemies (Spiderman example), or they want to uphold justice not for fame and glory but just on the basis of doing it (or claim to do so). So basically they have stuff to hide.

I once told someone (I can't remember who) before that "almost everyone wears a mask", and if I remember correctly the reply was "wah you being emo ah". I thought at the time that it was an odd reply, because it's a fact (or so I think). I wasn't lamenting about some social disgrace. As a matter of fact, I can safely say that I often wear one myself too. Perhaps the existence of this blog proves that already. If I'm not wrong, I already commented before here that no ordinary friend would want to hear you 掏心掏肺, unless you are that close to that person. I've earned the nickname of "Scarecrow" apparently because of my lack of emotions. Even Doc Manhattan has emotions, and as proven by some heart-wrenching scenes from the dramas I watched this week, I can again safely (and redundantly) conclude that I do have emotions. It's just that I hide my emotions because I find myself easily succumbing to 掏心掏肺 and also because most of the times I do not know how to react in human interactions.

Speaking of dramas I've watched, I've re-finished "Pride" for the third or fourth time, and I've finished "Karei naru Ichizoku" too. Pride I've watched before, so the storyline wasn't that big of a surprise for me, though the 感人 parts were still 感人. Karei naru Ichizoku was a great show, and a pity it came 3 years late. I've been watching Takuyu Kimura's dramas and when Karei came out in 2007, I thought it wouldn't be interesting plot compared to the other dramas like "Good Luck", "Pride" and "Engine", so I just skipped it. It turned out to have a very interesting plot of corporate backstabbing, politics, family conflicts, and dark secrets. The last episode was simply epic. Totally heart-wrenching and the ending is just nice.

The week was mainly a 宅男 lifestyle, though football was included yesterday. Sadly, with high expectations come high disappointment, and that was certainly the case yesterday. Of course I could have come up with many excuses, like "I wasn't used to the court" or "My shoes is so worn out that it's so slippery", but those would not mask the true reason that "Simply, I sux".


Chris Waddle once commented that Theo Walcott has no 'football brain', which I find pretty absurd, but seriously, these so-called "footballer pundits" are pretty sad cases, because they are only left with their past reputations, and their mouths to make the comments (and make accurate ones or absurd ones to get them on headlines). But I could really make use of a 'football brain'. It's quite shocking to find that after 10 years of playing, I never really understood the game. It seems as though I pass through each game with a blank mind, not knowing what to do, where to move to. Tomorrow will be another chance to make amendments, and to continue to try to prove if hard work can overcome the lack of talent.

Quotes of the week:

"Humans are weak creatures. They will find simple excuses to run away. They hate it when they lose the first time, but when they lose the second, third time, the feeling becomes fainter and fainter. In the end, 'Just try your best' and 'It doesn't matter to lose' become the first thought for consideration." -- Pride Episode 11

"Once you figure out what a joke everything is, being the Comedian's the only thing that makes sense" -- Watchmen

"原来我是个不该被生下来的人" -- Karei naru Ichizoku Episode 10

"Seek to express, not to impress" -- someone I can't remember who

"this term is applied to individuals who prefer solitude, or who work alone. In literature, the term is used to establish a character as aloof and emotionally unable or unwilling to directly interact with other characters in the story. A stereotypical lone wolf will be dark or serious in personality; he is often taciturn, and will distinguish himself through his reserved nature." -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lone_wolf_(trait)

i always thought the group needs a decision maker, a leader, a more active person, and den it will be for the better..

i always thought someone juz hafta be the hero or de villain, and den things will get going..

i thought i could be the Genesis, but ultimately, i see now that my route is the same as his: failure...

i end up getting frustrated and maybe offended ppl (though my knowledge bank isnt enough to understand totally) but if cy used the word 'chill' and 'attitude' den things shldnt be right.. i would apologize for any offences i made, becoz i meant no malice at all..

maybe they really dun care, or maybe this is de only way to go for the group, which is passive-ness, last min decisions, and impromptu stuff..

i suppose after the hk episode, my reputation as Mr Anything is enforced much much more.. decisions i make can be seen as "decisions made juz for the sake of decision making" alrdy..

i suppose that's the greatest grace for me liao ba.. for my last use of this phrase, if the world needs a new hero, that person wont be me..

they say every house/family has a book that's difficult to read.. and tapping into my not-that-large knowledge pool abt human relations, i know no one would be interested or care abt wad happen in 04-127.. even if u do raise ur hand and say 'i really do care/i'm really interested', i believe u'll be speechless after i tell u, not becoz it's of sheer seriousness, but becoz there's really nth u can do, or even nth i can do...

一命赔一命?

let me be the one to do it ba, the world wont mourn/remember an anonymity who has no opinion of his own, no abilities, and no contributions..

i didnt plan to be here today.. but life is like weather, it's so unpredictable that u can hardly make plans that can work 100%..

first, the trip seems unlikely with the pulling out of a couple of ppl.. den the trip is confirmed in less than an hr on msn, and looks set in stone.. and finally 2 days later de now famous H1N1 virus goes funny in hongkong and the trip is now set for changes again..

i dun like grey.. but life is grey.. it's full of grey areas for us to venture in and with as many crossroads and no map, we often hafta decide whether the left or right path is de better one to take.. and that's if u're lucky that u only have 2 options to consider..

notice that i used 'better path' and not 'correct path'.. many things have no right or wrong.. it's only right or wrong when the community, the society, the majority come in and decide for everyone...

ppl always say, and i always tink too, that i think too much... funnily, i realise sth abt me today too.. my mind is most of the time blank... i dun have a 'yes' or 'no' on my mind at all... i dun have opinions at all... it's terrifying when u actually tink abt it... most of the time when i go shopping for my friends' bday presents, my mind is actually blank all the time... which brands of perfume is nicer? whether the shirt looks nice anot? i tend to pause for a while, not becoz i'm considering, but simply because my mind is blank..

of coz it may sounds ridiculous to most of u out there, but ppl like me do exist... well, i'm the example for one... as lily has brought up for mayb the 546231th times, and still counting i believe, my former form teacher once said b4 that i have alot of logic... i've realised i've been using logic to make most of my decisions till now...

Pros VS Cons

i nvr asked myself wad i really want, because i know myself, that i cant even give myself an answer, let alone others.. so when the individual opinions are required abt the trip today, i spent a morning, half working half considering/analysing/list out pros and cons/thinking/(wadever u call it), b4 coming to a decision...

care to guess? it shld be a 90% chance of getting the right answer...

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

AND IT'S A NO

sometimes i wonder if i'm the opposite of jim carrey, he's the yes man, i'm the no man... ben brought up the point abt not wanting ur friends to catch disease as a joking point... but i've really considered that as one of my point... i oso feel that there's no point going on a trip if the ppl there are health-conscious, everyone avoiding crowded places etc (though all these are juz my imaginations)

sometimes stepping aside, i see myself as a pathetic loser... coming up with reasons like these are probably more as encouragements or affirmations or even consolations to myself, that to convince myself that i've made the right decision..

damn, i'm juz sick of blogging now..

odd hours

it's weird that i'm here at this time of de week, but heck, this post is titled 'odd hours' anyway..

this week is the showing of the wisdom of dean koontz and the odd one.. his viewpoints and linguistic ambilities totally surpass mine and so this week shld see no space left for me..

words are plastic these days.. small loans made to desperate people at exorbitant interest rates are called payday advances.. a cheesy hotel paired with a seedy casino is called a resort.. any assemblage of frenetic images, bad music, and incoherent plot is called a major motion picture..

-------------------------------------------------------------------

most fry cooks and tire salesmen and shoe clerks never want to be famous or widely recognised.. we juz wan to get along.. we want to live quietly, avoid hurting anyone, avoid being hurt, provide for ourselves and for those we love, and have some fun along the way.. we keep the economy humming, and we fight wars when we have to, and we raise families if we get the chance..

-------------------------------------------------------------------

we are the water in the river of civilization, and those fellow citizens who desire attention, who ride the boats on the river and wave to admiring crowds along the shore...well, they interest us less than they amuse us.. we dun envy them for their prominence.. we embrace our anonymity and the quiet that comes with it..

-------------------------------------------------------------------

the given world dazzles with wonder, poetry and purpose.. the man-made world, on the other hand, is a perverse realm of ego and envy, where power-mad cynics make false idols of themselves and where the meek have no inheritance because they have gladly surrendered it to their idols in return not for lasting glory but an occasional parade, not for bread but for the promise of bread..

-------------------------------------------------------------------
grief can destroy u, or focus u.. u can decide a relationship is all for nth if it had to end in death, and you alone.. or you can realise every moment of it had more meaning than u dared to recognise at the time, so much meaning that it scared u, so u juz lived, juz took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didnt allow urself to consider the sacredness of it.. but when it's over and you're alone, u begin to see it wasnt juz a movie and a dinner together, not juz watching sunsets together, not juz washing dishes together or worrying over a high electric bill.. it was everything.. it was the why of life, every event and precious moment of it..

-------------------------------------------------------------------

in this world of six billion souls, all acting with free will and too many with audacity, surprises are inevitable, too few of them the kind that make u smile and that lift ur heart..

-------------------------------------------------------------------

the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing
- Edmund Burke, 1795

-------------------------------------------------------------------

to do something, to do what u feel sure is right and in the aid of justice, you sometimes have to do things that, when recalled on lonely nights, make u wonder if in fact u are the good man that u like to believe u are.. such doubts are high cards in the devil's hand, and he knows how to play them well, in hope of bringing u to despair and ennui, if not to self-destruction..

-------------------------------------------------------------------

half a century goes by in what seems like a year.. dun waste an hour in boredom or wishing for tomorrow..

-------------------------------------------------------------------

my mouth continues to 'rot', with ulcers continously popping out, and oftenly simultaneously.. although i dun like to tink this way, but i sometimes wonder if it's punishment for the sins i've done.. (no, i'm not converted to christianity.. haha)